unknownfate

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I've loved barn owls since Labyrinth. They're so pretty! They have heart-shaped faces and are all in these delicate shades of white and cream and fawn, and they're smaller and not as 'I'll-kill-you-with-the-force-of-my-wrathful-glare-alone'as larger, scarier species of owl. Some even ride skateboards.

Isn't that adorable? He looks so soft and sleek and fluffy. Even in an urban setting, he looks so clean and sweet and serene and wise, like he'd sit on your shoulder, connecting you to the mystical, leading you along secret leyline paths, and occasionally making a haunting call or gentle hoo for your ears only.

And I know better. The claws would tear clothing and draw blood. They would scarf down little squealing mammals in between horking up pellets. There would be epic craps down your shoulder and back (probably why wizards and druids and stuff wear all the capes)and the average call of an owl is only haunting in the way that a demonic spirit possessing your loved ones to kill you is haunting. Nothing like a chatty screech owl to make a tentful of campers wet themselves in the dark of the wilderness night.

But that's a screech owl, right? It's supposed to screech! And barn owls live in barns, right? In the sweet-smelling haylofts where the air is drowsy with golden dust motes before flying out over goblin-haunted realms of romantic teenage girls, singing softly to themselves with the voice of David Bowie. Right? Right??

Wrong. Here's what they sound like:



Listen to them! Look at how they move! Like tiny, feathered, velociraptor hellspawn! If that sat on your shoulder it only be to better reach your eyes!

Then again, they seem to trapped in a box with somebody cramming a camera in their faces. They're probably terrified and furious, and actually handling it better than many a celebrity would. I might still rather have one of those on my arm than [unpleasant famous person of your choice]. And despite it all, even shrieking threats to swallow your soul like the tasty little chipmunk it is, barn owls still manage to be cute.

And that is today's nature hour. Thank you.