We were watching MST3K’s Werewolf movie the other night, in all its weird haired and weirder accented glory, and in Segment 2, Mike and the bots ask each other who they would put in their own werewolf movie. Well, I took the question to heart and spent way too much time thinking of who I would replace the actors I was looking at with. You would probably have to have seen the movie to have any clue, but if you haven't, just try to imagine it.
Paul: Should be played by Crispin Glover. Oh yeah. He has Fred Cavalli beat for suave, sexy, and intense. He could be all dashing yet sensitive at the party and in his writer’s loft/real estate office, then go all wild-eyed and twitchy when the moon rises. I bet his portrayal would seem more like a transformation than a really painful intestinal condition too.
Natalie: It’s hard to go wrong with Winona Ryder. And I haven’t seen her in anything fun since Alien 4. She could be all cute and easily fascinated, then hustle everybody in the biker bar at pool, then tell off her boss and run through the desert all night. If she can fake an indeterminate accent, all the better!
Yuri: Should be played by Dolph Lundgren. Because he fits the name Yuri better than Jorge Rivero did for one thing. Because he has consistent hair for another. Because he might actually be threatening. Not that Jorge wasn’t buff enough, but he still reminded me of the substitute gym teacher we had for a hellish week in high school. Sadistic, yes, and getting off on his authority over 20+ winded 14 year olds, but not threatening. Seeing Mr. Kikigi beaten up by Dolph Lundgren would’ve made the 9th grade so much sweeter. But I digress.
Noel: Could be played by Graham Greene. Another guy I like to see, be it Thunderheart or the Red Green show, or whatever. Having him instead of Richard Lynch would explain why the team was excavating an Indian burial ground and how he knew all the skin walker legends a little better.
Sam the Keeper: Mark William Calaway. AKA The Undertaker. Because if you’re gonna have a crazy man guarding your foyer with a shotgun, I say go for broke and bring in someone who would have a chance against a werewolf sneaking in after hours. Make that weird scene with the hovering and vague clawing an actual fight, and the coolness factor goes up an easy 10 points. Not that it would take much.
Joel: That can still be Joe Estevez. He did fine.
There were other characters too. The borderline slutty real estate agent, the dig worker that was first infected, the goofy doctor/nurse team that think sprouting random patches of hair and ‘constant transformation’ of the face is something that needs careful observation, and a handful of others, but those are the main ones.